Sometimes you must choose irresponsibility
Tranquil seas stretching from horizon to horizon and Robin’s gentle rocking leave little to do but to think. It’s so calm right now that we’re thinking of playing dominoes. But for the moment, I’m thinking about why I am here.
I just asked Monica that question. “I think it was a good way to prepare us for offshore sailing,” she says, “because of the stringent requirements and the safety inspections. Knowing our boat is up to snuff for offshore sailing, not just venturing out and going off to Europe.” She says she likes the idea of spending winters in the Bahamas and summers in Maine or the Mediterranean. It’s like having a moveable vacation home. It’s beautiful out here; much nicer than the hot city streets.”
Poor girl. She’s still caught in that “serenity of sailing” mode! But what she says certainly is true, and I’ve never seen Monica more content than she is aboard Robin.
I have a much more precise answer for why I went off single-handed on Robin more than two weeks ago. This trip for me is about a change of course in my life. It was, from the outset, a very self-centered excursion. At some point over the last year, I came to understand that entering the Bermuda One-Two as a goal, along with a couple of other goals, is a part of becoming an irresponsible adult.
Last August I was at the coffee bar in Wegman’s supermarket near our New Jersey home. I drink yuppie coffee, Monica shops for ingredients for gourmet meals, we’re both happy. As I pondered the flow of humanity in through the supermarket’s entrance, I was overcome by the thought that I could not name a specific goal in my life. So I thought about what I would like to accomplish over the next 12 months, before Labor Day 2007. It just happened to be the year that I turned 65, and so my goals were tied to their completion for that milestone birthday. The point was that these goals were of importance only to me.
The first goal was to complete the first draft of a novel I had started. I’ve never had one published, although I’ve written three. But I like the process of writing fiction, and the story I wanted to tell in this novel is a good one.
My second goal was to ski in a downhill race. I had been motivated by watching Bode Miller in the last Olympics. I am not among those who think he let “us” down by failing to get a medal. I was more taken by his drive to enjoy ski racing and to find his own path. So I put that down as a second goal.
The third goal was the Bermuda One-Two. As it turned out, this will be the only one of the three that I will have achieved by Labor Day. There isn’t enough time to finish the novel, and the only downhill race I could find to enter on the East Coast was cancelled due to too much snow.
Earlier in my life, I would not have allowed myself to consider such selfish pursuits. I was a responsible adult and I always tried to do the responsible thing. I’m not saying I sacrificed all my own wishes, but I always felt I had to make certain that the needs of those around me were met before I met my own needs. In a perfect world, if everyone behaved in this manner, I knew, the world would, indeed be perfect.
I look around myself and I see plenty of others who have lived their lives this way. And it makes sense, particularly when you have children.
But what I think I have recognized is that this behavior should have a time limit. Too many folks don’t check in with their own desires, don’t find a time to step back from their responsibility toward others to meet their own deeper needs. When you fail in this way, you lose the opportunity to experience a complete life. And the thought surfaces: Then why live at all?
Choosing irresponsibility doesn’t mean ignoring the needs of those you love. It means finding a balance, and then acting on your own desires when, weighed against those of your loved ones, the two are equally valid. There is no question that two of my goals caused great consternation among members of my family, who at times may see my pursuits as dangerous or misguided. But what is the balance between their nervousness and my need for experience?
In choosing irresponsibility, I was allowing myself to live, to veer from my lifelong path, to explore the world we have only one chance to visit, so that when, at a very old age, I leave this life, my visit will truly be complete.
June 26th, 2007 at 9:25 am
Amen, brother!
June 26th, 2007 at 9:50 am
There must be something about being at sea–or perphaps it is simply the separation from our shoreside reality–that makes us all speak the same language. In an uncluttered surrounding, when one finally acclimatizes oneself to the lack of constant outside stimulii, it is amazing how alive one starts to feel. The assaults on our time are those of basic importance and necessity…eating, sleeping and staying safe, where in a single small boat on a very large ocean, the unknown looms constantly. A wonderful title for a book would be “Sea Reality”, altho no one could probably ever properly define it in words, just as no one can ever prepare for the re-introduction to land reality. Good luck, my friend. I have enjoyed reading yours and Monica’s story, which sounds so familiar. Thank you for taking the time to share your comments. We look forward to seeing you downeast.
June 26th, 2007 at 9:52 am
Sounds suspiciously like a mid-life crisis! But as long as you and Monica are irresponsible together then you have our approval. But if you are headed for the sporty convertible and the young bimbo you are gonna be in some big a** trouble with a lot of people, Sailor Boy!!
June 26th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Beautiful Dad! So when are we going rock climbing?!
June 26th, 2007 at 11:43 am
Doug,
Sterling Hayden said it best ….
“I’ve always wanted to sail to the south seas, but I can’t afford it.” What these men can’t afford is not to go. They are enmeshed in the cancerous discipline of “security.” And in the worship of security we fling our lives beneath the wheels of routine - and before we know it our lives are gone. . But we are brainwashed by our economic system until we end up in a tomb beneath a pyramid of time payments, mortgages, preposterous gadgetry, playthings that divert our attention for the sheer idiocy of the charade.
The years thunder by, The dreams of youth grow dim where they lie caked in dust on the shelves of patience. Before we know it, the tomb is sealed.
Where, then, lies the answer? In choice. Which shall it be: bankruptcy of purse or bankruptcy of life?”
And you and Monica are going for it !
Sail on !
john
June 26th, 2007 at 11:50 am
Perfect.
June 26th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
That is why Archie (dad) would not let us talk while we were mountain climbing or fishing. In those times of quiet we come to understand who we are and what we want to experience. It is amazing how silence opens the door to so many other levels of awarness. I have always loved being out in Nature, but lately I utilize the time for my own peace of mind. Of course time is running out.
These blogs remind me of the discussions at the dinner table we enjoyed as children.
June 26th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
I think Kelley hit the nail on the head. tell us are you having hot flashes
June 26th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
For some time early on your notes to the world had me worried. The best up to now shared the auditory hallucinations you enjoyed and the visual observations which certainly could have been ministered. I have completed four 1-2 races and I miss the action. On my vessel there are small children who speak to me while sailing alone at night. I chose to leave them to their whispering rather than attempting to locate and identify something not quite as romantic. You have just described eloquently the motive and reward for long ocean voyages. I check in with you every day and share your experiences.
Fran
June 26th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
But who is going to staff Soundings’s mid-Atlantic bureau if you go off and pursue foolish pleasures on a stupid boat? Not me, bro. I am semi-retired and pursuing foolish (sailing) pleasures out of Annapolis. Hey, the curse of a sailing writer is never having to say you’re sorry. Sail on, bro.
June 26th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
Makes me think of the quote my wife and I have hanging on our sailboat / home -
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than the things you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain
Good sailing.
June 26th, 2007 at 8:18 pm
Amen, Doug. Sometimes, on the road through life, one has to stop and eat the flowers.
But I don’t see it as “choosing irresponsibility”. Your own subsequent prose in your penultimate paragraph refutes the concept embodied by its first two words so much better than I ever could. And so obviously and completely that it, upon re-reading, even becomes humorous! If your second sentence in that same paragraph doesn’t define how to “choose responsibly” then I don’t know what does.
I believe the philosophy of the ancient Greeks had a closer grasp on this concept than much of later western thought: self sacrifice, in and of itself, is not Goodness. One can hope to gain Goodness only through what is *exchanged* for the self sacrifice. When one has a self-centered choice to make, one ought to approach it as objectively as possible, and make the decision as if it were being decided for someone else.
Please consider what was gained (or, more precisely, what could reasonably be expected to be gained) from your self-centered decision. If I were in your shoes, what would have been your recommendation to me? I assert that that is precisely the decision that you should recommend for yourself. And from my (albeit limited in view) pasture, it appears that the correctness of your decision is conspicuously apparent.
But then again, what do I know. I’m just a dairy cow.
By the way, I especially like the way you write. (After all, it did engage me enough to respond!) I really hope your book gets finished and published, because I would very much like to read it.
Elsie B.